I haven’t written anything without asking ChatGPT for an outline in a while. College is hard. But I think it’s important to write this, be it ugly, grammatically incorrect, maybe even confusing. However, these words flow from me, it’s important that they are of me. I’m supposed to do this here.
Speaking of college, I hate most things about it: the town, not seeing people who look like me, the drive of the students, to be the best in their field as they can. I don’t have that drive. In another post, I’ll expand on my college experience, which is everyone’s first question for me. But college, my junior year especially, was isolating, reflective, and “a teacher,” and what I thought I learned from that teacher was “things will be better at home.” So at night, the time where I fantasize a better life for myself to fall asleep to, I told the universe what I wanted. I manifested that better life.
When I got home, I would go to live with my sick uncle. I would be sure to open the windows every day, play card games with him, go for walks, and I would bring my dog and train him to be a good companion.
When I got home, I was going to get my roots back touched up blonde and be a straight hair natural. I was ready for my adult hairstyle, to be able to play and style my hair, and give it a break from my braids. To feel the sensation of combing through my soft hair, being able to scrub it with my acrylic nails,the best feeling in the world.
When I got home, I would hang out with my two best friends, who happened to be dating, a great convenience to me. We could do all the things we wanted to do the previous summer. Beaches, zoos, and hikes. I would get to meet his best friends, and we could all be a fun friend group.
When I got home, I would get an internship that would push my career forward and set me up for success. I would be working with animals at a zoo or working in wildlife and conservation. Along with that, just to build my resume for vet school I was going to volunteer at the animal shelter. I was going to have the best resume to hide that my best in undergrad wasn’t as good as everyone elses best.
My summer was set. I was going to be the best version of myself. Build up my future and who I was going to be. Create strong bonds and gain experience to have the perfect future.
The day I arrived home, my mother told me that my uncle had died. My home was different now. No more “Love you bye, be good!”, and my response “No you be good!” He hadn’t called me it in years but I’d never respond to “Rabbit” again. Summer started with me shopping for a funeral. Pain. It hurt too much to cry, so I had to stay positive for everyone else. It was still early this horrible loss on my family could mean more time spent with my father, new opportunities for growth, it would be ok.
Home was hard, so when I could muster the energy to leave I made plans with my bestfriend. I had absolute sickening amount of fun. To have a friend who will meet you at your level and always give you their best and expect nothing but the same in return, that’s a gift, and that’s Nora. I give you her name as she will be mentioned time and time again, she’s an important character in my life. I was friends with her first, then later became friends with a guy who later became our boyfriend, and we were close, like threesome allegations close, but that wasn’t the way my love felt for them. It was innocent, free and safe.
On a particularly fun day, Nora and I went to one of his baseball games and sat and chatted with his dad while we watched him play. He told me “See you next weekend at Summer Smash.” A music festival we and his other friend had all bought tickets for. I was anxiously anticipating it. When he said that I hadn’t realized how soon it would be. I was grateful for the time I was going to spend with my friends, not knowing it would be the last weekend that we were all friends. In another post, when I’m ready I may go into detail about that weekend, but for the purpose of this story, know that that weekend completely changed my perspective on him. My kind friend, who when I fell at homecoming, picked me up, who when I lost my earring in my car wouldn’t stop until he found it again, my kind friend who I loved dearly, was in pain, and that weekend, felt it necessary to inflict that pain onto me and his girlfriend. To belittle us, call us out of our names, the worst of it. She would tell me the things he did and said to her and of course I believed her and tried to protect her from it, but seeing it, and more, feeling that pain that she was going through. She lost her boyfriend and I lost one of my bestfriends that weekend. This summer was becoming difficult.
The little expectations I had for my hair, were lost. I wanted to learn to style and work with it in its natural state, I didn’t know how much the bleach has affected my once long and thick hair, now thin and brittle. I couldn’t brush it without breakage I couldn’t style it without recognizing myself in the mirror. My rottweiller who I would train to be my companion kept showing me time and time again who he was. I couldn’t take him to parks. He couldn’t have calm socializations with my other dogs. If he noticed he could take advantage of my softness he would, he would jump on me and bite me and show me I could never train him. And on top of everything, I was getting denied from each summer job, internship, and volunteer work I had applied for. I would hear nothing or receive no information. I would get the sorry you’re not what we’re looking for or you don’t have experience, like hello YOU are my experience. I went to the animal shelter only to learn that only high school students could volunteer.
Every want, every desire, my manifestations for my summer was slipping out of my hands and I couldn’t take it. I thought I was too needy or maybe cursed or maybe the universe deemed me unworthy of the satisfaction of meeting my goals. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to be here.
So I stopped wanting. I’m a deeply religious person, untraditionally religious, but religious none the less. The entire summer was disappointment after disappointment, struggle after struggle, I couldn’t keep up. I was forgetting who I was, who I wanted to be, but then I remembered who I am. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, at the right time, in the right space, and that you are constantly being given everything you need to be the best version of yourself. I’m supposed to be here.
I wanted a better life when I got home, and what I got was exactly that. In a way, my uncles passing created a space for me to build on my relationship with my father, an important relationship in anyones life. The house my uncle passed in, my grandmothers house, became a safe space for my father and me as well, and I’m thankful to be reminded that there is always a light at the end of a tunnel and that family will show up in the most mysterious ways. I’m supposed to be here to support my family.
I’m not entirely sure what lesson I’m meant to learn from loosing my friend, but I do know two things: One, he is not meant to be in my life right now, he needed to leave so that Nora and I could grow into the people that we need to be, and that he needed to leave dramatically because, Two, I learned that I have it in me to stand up for myself, and to defend my friend. If you met me you would describe me as shy, quiet, maybe even a doormat to some. But I found out that thats not me! I am protective, nurturing and bold (in the correct circumstances). I’m supposed to be here to learn this about myself.
My hair has had the most eventful summer its ever had, bleached, cut, bangs dyed, oily, dry, thin, broken, but through all of that. I got to understand my hair, how it curls, how it falls, the products that work on it, and how to feel beautiful in it. I learned how much I feel my identity is tied to my hair and how OK it is for it to change. As I’m writing this I just got a compliment on my hair, my hair thats in a style I’m not particularly fond of. I’m going to cut of my dead ends and bring it back to my natural color to let it heal. Everything is going to be ok. I’m supposed to be here, understanding my hair in the safety of my home.
My aggressive little rottweiler, through time, effort and consistency, is learning to be a guard dog. Not my companion, but my protector and I will be his. Growing this bond through patience and learning all of his cues and him learning mine is so special. He still jumps, but he makes the good decision to sit and wait for attention. I can’t take him to the dog park, but our hikes are so special because he enjoys the still calmness of nature just like me. I even think we look alike. He watches people who pass me by to make sure they are ok. He is good on free walks, he heels when needed. He knows his name and how to come at me. I’m proud of our bond. I’m supposed to be here with him.
I didn’t get any internships, no one wanted me for work, but the time I spent at home was vital. If I wasn’t at home I wouldn’t have had any of these profound life changing experiences. You will always be put exactly where you need to be in order to live the life you’re meant to live. You can put yourself in that spot. I manifested to grow and learn and thats exactly what I did. Every pain every worry, everyday where it felt like I was just waiting, my shortcomings and those long days, made me into someone who today can sit and appreciate everything that life throws my way, it is all so important. I’M SUPPOSED TO BE HERE! All of these feelings and changes, thats what its meant to be Alive and All Over.
I hope this reading helps you feel right where you are and know how important the moments are. Thank you for feeling this moment with me, for taking this peak into my life, for being Alive and All Over with me.