At the ripe age of 21, I deny most drinks offered to me. I’m not a huge fan of the way they make my body feel. I feel sluggish, heavy, and tired, and that’s not so much of a fun feeling. I enjoy a “fancy drink” every now and again. I do keep fancy bottles of wine to open on special occasions, but once I take a single sip, I can feel it tingle throughout my whole body.
My roommate accidentally opened up a bottle of my Winter Red from my mother and I favorite winery (they have the most delicious calamari). I had a single glass that I couldn’t even finish, and the rest of my night was spent crying. Crying tears of joy, full of emotion, full of gratitude, full of everything I have ever felt, and thankful to be able to feel.
I used to stand in the shower, full of emotional pain and distress and just cry, walking around with puffy eyes and sorrows in my heart. Tears that would never stop flowing unless I fell asleep, the weight of the world on my shoulders. I never thought that the anguish would end. I could never imagine a world that I was ok in, where I would ever be able to see anything happy, experience love, experience any sort of glimpse of hope, but that night, after my one glass of wine, I did.
It happened as I was texting my friends, my best and closest friends in the whole world. How lucky am I to be so surrounded by all of their love? To know people so kind, who would do anything for me, who love me so deeply. How lucky am I to know them, and are we to have each other? The love grabbed a hold of me, and I fell to the floor, all balled up in tears. I would never be alone again. I would always have someone by my side, because not only do I have them, but the way that the relationships unfold, and bend, and fracture and heal again have taught me so much about the world, about myself, about how I want to live my life. To be experiencing a love so deep, that night it really felt like thats what love was all about. I told them to stop texting me. The images of their faces brought me to a loud, ugly cry. I had to shower and clean my face.
Standing in that shower, so full of that pure, unbridled joy. I was brought again to tears thinking about how much I loved them, wrapped me up all over again, and how lovely that was, but the comparison made me cry once again. The comparison of me crying because of all the joy to crying as a preteen because of all the pain. They both took hold of me, and with both, I couldn’t control my emotions, but one was liberating, one was freeing. Alyssa then would be so proud of the me that I am today. That I’m able to take hold of all the love that surrounds me and let it fuel the way I live my life, thats something I never thought would happen. Before I thought I was meant to experience pain, that there was nothing else to life than hurting, that night, and all of my nights, I am so happy to experience something much deeper, much more real. I am meant to be here to experience good. To even experience bad but turn those bad moments into lessons to make my life much better. I am so much stronger. And then more tears flowed from my eyes.
I called my father. I knew he would still be awake and able to help me sort through the tears. He answered the phone, confused and worried, it was late, and his daughter was crying serious tears. I told him how thankful I was for the person that he is. How special it is that he is able to always take care of me and ensure that I am always in the best of situations. I couldn’t stop crying again. Once he realized the situation, he laughed. He realized where all of the emotion was coming from: my unfinished glass of wine. He told me I’m not a wine drinker and to try and get some sleep and get out of my head (which was crazy because everything around me made me want to cry tears of joy, my life is so beautiful), and to fall asleep. After stuffing tissues in my nose and telling my friends how much I loved them, I finally fell asleep. Needless to say, I won’t be having any more Winter Red.
Stay Alive, and be All over!